With the pending release of the movie ‘G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA’ I have taken it upon myself to file a list of charges against this film based on what has already been released and is already known. I know that to judge a film before it is released is never a good thing (the whole ‘judging a book by its cover’ syndrome) but with all of the images, videos, trailers and various sources of information that have come to light about this film, charges can be safely filed, and this case can remain open for more to be added upon further review.

Below are three categories, CASTING, DIRECTOR and WARDROBE, all three of which can make or break a film, and so far from what is out there, all three break this film into the realm of surefire bomb. Plot points are listed in various portions of this list of charges as they are usually tied to characters.

As a lifelong fan I wanted to give this movie a shot, and may only watch it out of a need to witness a train wreck. As it is, so far everything about this movie stinks of failure, and could possibly ruin the entire G.I. Joe franchise much like the ’Masters of the Universe’ film did to the entire He-Man franchise.

CASTING CHOICES: Below are listed the key choices in casting where problems immediately arise. Whether being bad choices or poor executions, the following roles are listed with their charges. Some will have their charges withheld until further review, but problems, if any, are listed.

BARONESS / SIENNA MILLER: Visually this is one of the few characters that the creators of this movie got; black hair, glasses and signature black leather attire. However the similarities between the Baroness from the G.I. Joe franchise and the movie stop there:

1. The Baroness, as longtime fans know her, was never engaged to be married to Duke and the only times she ever tried anything with any member of the Joe team was usually when she was in disguise and trying to do some damage or espionage.

2. There is the plot point that she is the sister of Cobra Commander, another major departure in character for the Baroness.

3. While Sienna Miller is a beautiful actress and fits the part, there is the serious matter of the accent that she uses in ‘The Rise of Cobra’. Longtime fans know that the Baroness always spoke in a sever Euro-trash accent, not an American one. The voice of a character is always important and burns itself into the memories of fans.

For these crimes and departures, Baroness in this movie is charged.

COBRA COMMANDER / JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: For such an iconic villain, the choices made for this character have been hideous to say the least:

1. Casting Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the role of Cobra Commander is similar to Hayden Christensen being cast as the older Anakin Skywalker in ‘Attack of the Clones’, a poor choice. Gordon-Levitt will always be Tommy Solomon from ‘Third Rock from the Sun’ and is too young to even be considered a viable choice for the role. Cobra Commander could have been given the ‘Darth Vader’ treatment and someone bigger could have played him, while someone else could do the voice. The late Chris Latta’s voice work from the animated series has left an indelible mark on the memories of fans for decades, and anything less would be unacceptable.

2. The look that has surfaced of Cobra Commander is one of the worst departures ever. Cobra Commander had two distinct looks that people will always remember: the chrome-plated face mask and the hood. Both have been completely scrapped (the excuse for the hood being scrapped was that it was too KKK-ish) in favor of some poor-man’s Geiger-style plastic mask that covers a face burned during some past accident. Cobra Commander’s face was never seen clearly (except in the animated movie) in either the comics or the animated series, and to even see it distorted by a clear mask is unacceptable.

For these crimes and departures, Cobra Commander in this movie is charged, with other potential charges to be filed upon further review.

DESTRO / CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON: There are some serious charges against the representation of Destro in this movie, so let’s begin:

1. I am not going to take away from the skills of Christopher Eccleston as an actor, however physically he is not suitable for the role of Destro. Longtime fans clearly remember Destro to be a mountain of a man and not a thin, prim and proper gentleman. The role of Destro could have easily been done in a ‘Darth Vader’ style, with an appropriately built individual and someone else providing the voice.

2. The mask is also an important feature that this movie has gotten completely wrong. For Destro to be seen without his mask was unimaginable, and yet for most of the movie he is apparently without it. In the comics and cartoon the mask was a symbol for the McCullen family and not an accessory as it is being treated here. The mask could have been explained as nano-technology and someone providing the voice, to stay true to the ‘liquid metal’ look of the mask we are all accustomed to on Destro as opposed to the ‘Man in The iron Mask’-style look that has been shown in pictures.

3. Destro, when not along side Cobra Commander, operated out of his family’s castle in Scotland, not some expansive underwater base. Sure it may look good on screen, but the character of Destro was proud of his castle and always operated out of it. Not exactly sure where this underwater realm in the movie is coming from.

4. Destro is Scottish, not British. In the cartoon he spoke with a deep voice that leaned a little on the British/Scottish side, but he is Scottish nonetheless and Christopher Eccleston’s own accent is unsuitable for the character of Destro.

For these crimes and departures, Destro in this movie is charged.

DUKE / CHANNING TATUM: Duke has always, ALWAYS, been portrayed as an older, take-charge, clean cut leader, not a young, goatee-wearing, quiet soldier. Visually Channing Tatum could pull off the key role of Duke in ‘Rise of Cobra’; however he just doesn’t seem to carry himself in early footage well enough for such an iconic hero. Also the plot point that he left The Baroness at the altar is another dire departure from the history of the character, as he always had a thing for Scarlett.

At this time charges against the Duke in this movie are going to be withheld until further review.

GENERAL HAWK / DENNIS QUAD: The casting of Dennis Quaid as General Hawk is, in my opinion, an excellent choice. He looks the part, and he has proven his ability to play a leader on numerous occasions. The only qualm that I can see is when he is wearing the leather jacket and camouflage pants. That look does not work for the character in the movie; unlike it did in the comics and cartoon. When Quaid is seen in his general dress uniform, that gives the character more class and style and should be the way he is seen each and every time that Quad is on screen.

At this time charges are withheld against General Hawk in this movie until further review.

RIPCORD / MARLON WAYANS: We have all seen in the past where a character’s race was altered from the source material, a la Terry Fitzgerald in the movie ‘Spawn’, so the race alteration here is not going to be viewed as a chargeable offense, which is why Saïd Taghmaoui being cast as Breaker is not listed amongst the list of charges against ‘Rise of Cobra’. What is being brought up as a charge is the casting itself. Marlon Wayans should never have been chosen for this role, supposedly a key role to connect the audience with the action going on. Marlon Wayans is a comedian best suited for similar roles or Wayans’ movies.

For this crime alone the Ripcord in this movie is charged, , with other potential charges to be filed upon further review.

SNAKE EYES / RAY PARK: Visually it looks as though they got the character of Snake Eyes correct here, and Ray Park has proven his martial arts skills in ‘ Phantom Menace’ so that aspect isn’t a problem either. Unless they commit the unforgivable crime and give the grown Snake Eyes a speaking role, it looks as though this is one character that cannot have any charges levied against it.

At this time charges are withheld against Snake Eyes in this movie until further review.

STORM SHADOW / BYUNG-HUN LEE: The only charge that can be filed against the Storm Shadow of the movie is that in one known scene, Storm Shadow enters a building without his mask on. This is a serious departure from the character who would never remove his mask. Similar to Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow remained in full costume at all times. It was not until later in the comic series, after he had been written as a G.I. Joe, that he would remove his mask from time to time, and usually only when in quiet situations, never in action.

For this serious departure, Storm Shadow in this movie is charged, with other potential charges to be filed upon further review.

U.S. PRESIDENT / JONATHAN PRYCE: Jonathan Pryce is a great actor, however his pick as the President of the United States does cause a serious Constitutional issue. As we all know no person not born as a United States citizen can hold the office of the President. So Pryce, being British, is an odd choice. Unless they write something into the script stating that the Constitution had been changed, a la Donald Pleasence in ‘Escape from New York’ (apparently the movie takes place several years in the future) his choice is an erroneous one.

At this time charges are withheld against The President of the United States in this movie until further review.

DIRECTORIAL CHOICE: Stephen Sommers’ track record has been sketchy at best, and for him to be picked to helm this movie one would only hope that the promise he showed with ‘Deep Rising’ and ‘The Mummy’ would come back, and not the Stephen Sommers of ‘Van Helsing’. From early looks it appears as though he has returned to tolerable form, however the glaring issues with the plot points and casting make this a daunting task that, personally, I do not feel he is capable of overcoming. If he was at any time a fan, then he should have spoke up early on about the choices that were being made at every turn. He obviously did nothing to try and salvage the integrity of the product and should be held accountable along with the production companies involved.

For the crime of choosing Stephen Sommers as the director, Paramount Pictures has been charged.

WARDROBE CHOICES: The charges in this category are going to be filed solely against the G.I. Joe team itself. One of the most endearing qualities of the G.I. Joe figures, cartoon and comics was, for lack of a better term, the ‘Village People’ aspect. Each Joe had their own look that made them easily identifiable to the casual observer. Shipwreck looked like a classic sailor-type; Bazooka had his customary red football jersey, and so on and so forth. Because such choices veered away from military protocol, it made the team much more accessible for the fans.

Instead the movie versions of the Joe team all wear the same outfits, a la the ‘X-Men’ films, and the individuality of the team is diminished greatly. Only Snake Eyes retains his iconic look, while every other character has become homogenized. Now while spandex doesn’t translate well to the screen (Scarlett for instance), surely the creators of this film could have updated each look to retain some signature aspects of the characters.

Then there is the serious issue of the ‘Delta 6 Accelerator Suits’ that makes the wearers’ look like the twisted offspring of Master Chief from the ‘Halo’ games and RoboCop. The Joes never used anything like this (Sigma 6 is not being utilized here in these charges) and if they were included simply for the sci-fi element, then they were extremely bad choices. The suits look clunky and totally out of place on the Joe team as well as the franchise itself.

For these crimes the wardrobe department of ‘Rise of Cobra’ has been charged.

Other charges against ‘G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA’ will be filed upon further revue.